Stygos Danguj

God, I missed this. I really missed this.

I tried to convince myself for two months that I can live without you. You came, and in one minute destroyed that perfect lie I was living into. How do you do that? What’s the secret? The magic of your eyes, power of your voice or something I still don’t know?

I’m sure you’re doing it on purpose. Nobody wants to drown into old painful memories, except those, who want them to come back as the present. Call me demented, deranged, crazy - whatever. I see it the shadow of your face - now you’re living hell, as I had, months ago.

I wish I knew how to help myself. To help yourself. To save us. But maybe it’s too late to change something. We both said dirty things. Some of them I wouldn’t ever reclaim. You wouldn’t too, I guess.

So don’t make me stay the same. You’re always will be my high, and you know it. But temporary, I have to separate myself from you. For good.

I would love to be your muse. I know, I’m doing a huge mistake when I’m thinking about you. But I just can’t to change myself. I belong to you. Finally I admit, I will never ever like someone as much as I like you!

I want to recklessly love, like I’m longing to. So give me something to believe in. I want to, I have to, otherwise, I’m dead. I’m walking corps at the moment and I just can’t help it. Why everything have to be so hard?..

I’m looking at your picture right now. Your eyes. They’re perfect. The way you were looking at me. It’s remarkable. Your voice, sweet as melting honey. Your jokes, support, care. Your arms… I still have these details in my memory, coming on reverse every day.

I’m picking up ashes of what we had. Because they’re only reminders that the past was real. And I miss it. There are so many things to miss!..

The good things I used to have, they’re over. And I will never get used to this new reality.

If this is it, I should be out of my mind.

But I’m not. Well, yet. Thus, this isn’t over yet. If this would be it, I would know it, I would feel it, and of course, I would be alive corpse at this time. But I’m not.

This can’t be over. Not after all the things we suffered, all the things we’ve been through. Not now. This is the worst time ever to go separate ways. Please, not now.

Please, tell me, who was there to appease you when you were in a horrible mood cause you thought you won’t get a job? Me. Who supported you on your worst days and who was always blissful about even tiny your victories? Yeah, me. Who was always ready to acquiesce you to my bed? You bet, it was me. You just CAN’T forget everything what happened to us. I resigned my soul to you.

You’re not a horrible person, I know that. You’re just confused. But please, let me help you to find yourself. Let me be in your life at least slightly.

I’m waiting for you with arms wide opened. Once again, I’m here for you. Trust me, sweetie, I won’t let you down.

The time passes. Even for me. I have to admit, I’m in better condition now than I was few weeks ago. I am more chilled-out, outgoing, and in a way, happy. This is how it should be I guess.

Every evening before sleep, I try  to persuade myself that everything is fine. That soon this hell will be over. That I’m strong enough to keep it up. And every evening I believe in those sweet lies from lips of mine and fall asleep. I have no choice.

You will never be able to understand how I feel right now. How whole my body is aching because it is separated from you under protest. You just don’t care. Like you said, you are afraid of my feelings, of my dreams, of my thoughts about us. So don’t pretend you care now.

I’m brighten up. Theoretically. That’s all you should know about me now.

If one day you will decide to be mine not only with body, but with your soul too, I’ll keep my arms wide opened and wait for you. It is called vocation.

I’m here for you. Trust me. Talk to me.

It’s not easy to be here, far away from you and try to understand you, especially when you conceal everything about yourself. You swallow all the plain, ordinary details and this really makes me crazy. Why the hell I am your girlfriend then? Why do you need me? DO you need me???

I wish I were at the remarkable relationship at the time. I wish I could outlast movie-worth love story now. But my love story is similar to a story where one talks and another listens. I’m a talker here, by the way.

Love can be gorgeous, and I’ve survived that. So what’s different now? The guy, I guess. And time, and circumstances, and the attitude of the guy. Gosh, I wish I were not so deep in this situation.

I hate when I talk and he just listens and doesn’t do anything. Or blames me about all our fights. This isn’t fair.

More than two months to go. Two-thirds of time is left to go. I can handle this, I have no choice.

And after that, I’ll be glad that even for a tiny part of second our feelings were real. No fear, no circumstances keeping us apart. I will hold those precious moments in my heart forever.

”To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved”.

“If all my friends were to jump off the bridge, I wouldn’t follow. I’d be at the bottom to catch them when they fall”.

“I know God will not give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish He didn’t trust me so much”.

“Faith isn’t faith until it’s all you’re holding on to”.

“We have before us the gloriuos opportunity to inject a new dimension of love into the veins of our civilization”.

“Wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving”.

“Nobody has ever measured, not even poets, how much a heart can hold”.

“I don’t know why they call it heartbreak. It feels like every other part of my body is broken too”.

“Sometimes I wish I were a little kid again, skinned knees are easier to fix than broken hearts”.

“We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey”.

“Turn your wounds into wisdom”.

Baby, there’s a shark in the water, there’s something underneath my bed, o please believe I said. I caught them barking at the moon, better be soon…

I would love to jump down the cliff. Just to feel the adrenalin flowing through my veins. Just to see a horror in your eyes.

I would love to climb the mountain. Just to slip and fall loosely. In case to see a horror in your eyes.

I would love to take a gun and shoot myself. Just to feel pain. That’s why I could see a horror in your eyes.

I would love to die. Just to see your reaction.And the reason wouldn’t be to see a horror in your eyes. Cause you would’nt care. They would say “she’s so pretty, so smart, such a waste of a young heart”.

It’s too late to help my blank soul, my sattelite heart is lost in the dark, used and betrayed.

But you know, I haven’t sleep in weeks cause you are the only thing I see. And I would push the button, pull the triger, climb the mountain, cause I love you, love you, love you a lil’ bit.

And the only way to keep me apart from you is to die.

Yep. He’s gone. For all summer long. And I would lie, if I say that I don’t care.

I want to bleed, to scream it out, to cry and I’m out of my mind totally. It’s so hard when you have nothing by your side to help you and just to waste time at summer holidays.

So maybe this is hell. Yea, it is. And I am maybe the most stupid girl who wants the summer to be over soon.